One of Many Walks Home

I will preface this by saying I am writing this safe and sound in my dad’s house. I came home completely unharmed, and had a fantastic day in the city beforehand. But I am done being quiet and dismissive of these matters, and I have taken the onus of writing things that make people uncomfortable because they really, really need to be said.

I try to walk home alone in Jersey City as little as possible. I usually carry some sort of weapon with me, like a knife, but I left mine at home by accident. I didn’t even have keys to use as a blunt object to poke people’s eyes out (some self-defense things my mom taught me years ago). All I had was a phone in a case that I hoped would be hard enough to give someone a concussion if I smacked them with it. So, naturally, I was on edge.

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Hail, all hail, Cornell

Not long ago, I didn’t think I was going to make it out of Cornell. When I last wrote, I was in an existential crisis, wondering if all of the choices I was making were not, in fact, what I really wanted. I had to constantly reassure myself that this was the right thing to do; put up motivational quotes to remind myself why I was here; proclaim my self-identified meaning of life; anything to ensure my place would be saved on the next bus to real life.

And finally, after a hailstorm of exams, papers, plane tickets, gas stations, tears of desperation and elation, early mornings and late nights, I can officially say I am a graduate of Cornell University, and now an officer in the United States Army Reserve.

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An Aside: Why Are We Here

What is the point of life? I may never have a concise answer. We are born, we live, we give birth, and we die. But in that cold span of reality is elation, tragedy, dreams unfurled. It is such a beautiful miracle that we dare to dream; that we feel spectrums of passion, desire, apathy, repulsion; that in all of our laughter, tears, gasps, sighs, there is an unstoppable force within us that longs to do something meaningful in our minute span of existence. In comparison to the massive expanse of the space-time-continuum, we are nothing but a single moment. But what we make of that moment is entirely our choice. It can be a moment passed, unblinkingly, or it can be an explosive moment of great importance. It does not matter why we are here, what matters is that we are, and that whatever do with it, we do it as passionately as possible.

Just an aside.

“The Standard”

I will start this post with a pre-emptive apology. This post is very lengthy. Maybe even feminist. But this is not a message for feminists. This is a message for anyone who’s ever wanted to do something with themselves. Aka everyone. But I’m mainly apologizing because I’m about to make a broad generalization, and compare a beauty pageant to a dog show.

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Yeah, I went there.

(But really, hear me out on this one, if you can.)

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I am employed.

“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” - Theodore Roosevelt

It’s the end of my last fall semester. I’d long dreamed of this day coming… and having done something great by now… like maybe I would have written a book or made some artwork that made it to a museum. Maybe I would’ve made waves as a pre-vet student and gotten recruited into some prestigious field of research, or maybe the CIA would think I’m a little impressive and take me in. I was always optimistic of my fate and daydreamed of success in a variety of different, unlikely outcomes. But life has curious ways of unfolding, and I couldn’t be happier of the fate I had never predicted. Continue reading

Crossroads

It’s been a few months. A few mental breakdowns and sobbing sessions later, I’m somewhere in the middle of the semester. Hours of sleeplessness, and a couple pounds lighter, I am alive. I am definitely on the cusp of sanity, as witnessed by my loved ones, but alive. I’ve done a fair bit of work since I was here last.  Continue reading

LDAC-istan, CTLT, and The Ever-Nebulous “Future”

I am alive. And I am a functional member of society. Kind of.

But in all seriousness, this is one of the sparse moments I will have all year to write a quick post. I’ve been running around like a headless chicken since my last post, about 6 months ago. It’s been a hell of a semester, and a hell of a summer as well. Next year will likely not be an exception with roughly 21 credits both semesters, so I expect no less than a fiery sprint to graduation. This is less a political or philosophical rant, and more a general update on what happened, what lies ahead, and why that scares the living sh*t out of me.  Continue reading